Beyond the Whirlpool: Giving Your Inner “Fixer” a Quiet Cove
Healing the Fixer Mindset
“Are you a professional lifesaver who’s running out of breath?”
I’m a work in progress, and I’ll admit it, I still have a foot in the “Fixers Anonymous” club. Most of us who survived early storms became master mechanics, fixers of everyone else’s lives, including their littlest issues. We scan the horizon for whitecaps and rush in to fix the leak before the boat even tips.
But I’ve realized something life-changing: Sometimes, actually most of the time, our friends and family don’t need us to rush in and plan their repairs. They are competent; they know how to handle their own problems, and if they don’t, they’ll ask.
For those of us who grew up in stormy waters, “fixing” wasn’t just a habit; it was our survival gear.
If you spent your early years in an environment that felt like a restless ocean, you learned very quickly how to scan the horizon. You became a master at spotting the whitecaps of someone else’s mood or the dark clouds of an impending crisis. To keep your own boat from capsizing, you rushed in with ideas, suggestions, and solutions. You became the mechanic of everyone else’s lives because, in your heart, that felt like the only way to keep everyone, including yourself, safe.
But what I’ve realized is that even the best captain needs to know when to stop fighting the tide.
I’ve had some massive “aha” moments over the last few years. Sometimes, the people we care about don’t need a “Dry Dock” for someone else to plan their repairs; they just need the space to float with their thoughts and find their own way.
The Survival Architecture of the “Fixer”
When we’ve lived through trauma or long-term abuse, our brains actually build a sort of “survival architecture.” We start to live from the neck up. Our logical minds become high-speed radars, and for those of us who have ADHD, that high-speed spin can feel like a super-speed whirlpool of:
- How can I fix this?
- What should they do next?
- If I don’t solve this, who will?
When we do this, we inadvertently disregard other people’s competency. It can make them feel unheard, or worse, like we don’t think they are bright enough to figure things out for themselves.
This whirlpool keeps us in a state of high alert. While it comes from a heart of gold, it’s exhausting for those around us and can make them feel like they aren’t capable of sailing their own ships. But with effort and awareness, we can shift that energy back down into our hearts.
Trading the Whirlpool for the Surfboard
Imagine the difference between being caught in a spinning whirlpool and floating peacefully on a surfboard. In the whirlpool, you are fighting for control and reacting to every splash. On the surfboard, you are still on the water, you are still present, but you are moving with the flow of the tides. You are trusting the ocean instead of trying to re-engineer it.
To move from the anxiety of fixing to the peace in my heart, I’m learning to follow these three “coastal” steps:
1. Be the Anemone:
In the ocean, a sea anemone is connected to the reef. It doesn’t swim around chasing the fish; it just is. Because it stays grounded, it provides a safe, sting-free shelter for the clownfish. When we stop “chasing” people with our solutions, we become that safe shelter where they can finally hear their own inner voice.
2. Drop the Advice Anchor:
The next time you feel the urge to “do,” just drop your anchor. Take a deep breath. Shift your focus from that “logical grid” in your head down into your chest. Instead of brainstorming a solution, try just listening with your heart. When a person truly feels heard, they often find their own way to shore.
3. Listen to the Currents:
Beneath the surface waves of any problem, there is a deeper current. When we listen from our neck up, we realize we don’t have to problem solve or “fix” the person across from us because they aren’t stuck; they’re just navigating a different or difficult current, just as we all have many times before.
Finding Your Quiet Cove
By creating a Quiet Cove instead of a Dry Dock, we give ourselves permission to breathe. We realize that we don’t have to carry the weight of the entire ocean. We can be our intelligent, experienced, and powerful selves, choosing to offer an understanding heart over a mere verbal “fixer” solution.
It takes practice to stay on the surfboard when the whirlpool starts spinning, but the view from the calm water is so much better.
From someone who’s been there, I’d love to hear from you:
- Do you ever feel like you’re the “designated fixer” in your circle?
- How does it feel in your body when you try to solve a problem for someone else versus just being present with them?
- What is one way you can “drop your anchor” this week, just be there for someone you care about who is struggling?
Simple suggestions are one thing. That’s a bit different from ‘fixing,’ and most everyone offers up their ideas here and there. The line we cross as a fixer is when we repeat and keep repeating the same fix, hoping and even expecting the person to do it our way.
Without meaning to, this crosses the line from suggestion to fixing, because we’re pushing someone to do it our way and not respecting their ideas or their space to think for themselves.
Tip:
To find these answers within yourself, try practicing supportive silence. Listen from your neck up and try not to vocalize the thoughts from your overactive “fixer” mind. At least not more than once. They heard you, and they need the room to think for themselves from there.
I’d love to hear what change is stirring in your heart. Email me a note, a message, or just say hi.
We’re all in this together, and I’ll be here… cheering you on with sand in my flipflops, a cup of tea, and a whole lot of belief in you.
You Got This!
Love & Gratitude,
Kat B ~ barefoot beachgirl at heart
There’s more to come… more layers, more real life stories, and more encouragement.
Reach out to me at: [email protected]
Read more about my journey on my About Me Page.
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