They say the ocean is strongest when it’s calm, but I think its true power is revealed after the storm. I’ve always prided myself on being the calm surface. The one who keeps swimming no matter how rough the seas get. But recently, the waves got too high, and I hit a wall. If you’ve ever felt the pressure building behind your eyes while trying to hold it all together, this post is for you. It’s about the moment I finally let the tide break, and why falling apart was exactly what I needed to come back together.
I have always considered myself strong.
I’ve survived things that I would never wish on anyone. I’ve navigated rough seas, kept my head above water, and always…always, found a way to keep swimming and pushing through.
But this last week? I hit a wall, hard.
It wasn’t an in-my-face, dramatic crash. It was a heavy, yet quiet pressure, with my eyes welling up at every thought off and on throughout each day. I found myself sitting at my desk most of the week, unable to move forward. My mind was spinning with all the things I wanted to do, all the ways I wanted to help, and all the fears that came with it. The voices from my past were loud, and the feelings of doubt were spinning on the surface, like I wasn’t doing it “right”, “what do I have to offer”, “am I good enough”?
The “who am I, how can I really help, why would anyone care to listen to me, how can my messed-up past and crazy life experiences help others?” thoughts flooded through my head, along with so many other self-doubting statements.
And then, the pressure started to build behind my eyes over most any thought, action, and even inaction. Don’t even look in the mirror type of thing. Not at all a normal thing for me, and I am not someone who cries often or easily.
The Pressure of the Dam
I tried to fight it. I told myself, “You are strong. You don’t cry. Just believe in yourself and figure it out.”
The more I fought it, the harder it got, and the worse I felt. It was like a physical weight in my chest. I was paralyzed, not because I didn’t know what to do, but because I was holding back a tidal wave of emotion with sheer willpower.
To know me is to know I don’t cry unless it’s really bad.
I was stuck, I was afraid and I was overthinking.
I thought, “I needed to be perfect, to say/do the right things.
Words whispered through my head like a broken record on repeat.
Who am I and what makes me special?
What do I have to offer?
How can my messed up past help others?
This and more were followed by that uneasy feeling that I wasn’t safe.
Our past can sure play havoc on us.
The pressure of wanting to build a new life, but being terrified of the unknown.
The Ocean After the Storm
Living by the water teaches you something about storms: They are necessary.
When the humidity gets too high, the air is thick and heavy, and you can barely breathe, the sky has to break open.
The rain needs to fall, whether in tiny drops or in full-on sheets, while the lightning cracks and thunder rages, and the wind often howls as it joins in.
It can be intimidating, downright scary even. But have you ever stepped onto the beach the morning after a storm?
The air is crisp, the humidity is gone, and aside from maybe some seaweed mixed with driftwood washed ashore and a few seashells scattered about, the sand has been scrubbed clean, and the air smells fresh. The ocean, even as it still churns, is alive and returning to its normal rhythm.
Crying is just your internal weather system breaking the heat.
Let the Tide Break
If and when you feel that pain or pressure, the welling of water pooling in your eyes while you are trying so hard to push them down, please give yourself the love and grace to stop fighting and let those tears flow.
Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak or falling apart, even if it feels like it in the moment. You are simply releasing the pressure, so you regroup, sort through your feelings and move forward again.
Your nervous system is smart. It knows when the load is too much to carry. That “welling up” is a safety valve. It’s your body saying, “Let this go so you can make room for what’s next.”
The Calm on the Other Side
I finally let myself have that cry, even though I didn’t want to. It didn’t fix everything in five minutes, but the spinning stopped, and the fog lifted just enough for me to see the next step.
I remembered who I am, that I can be myself, I don’t have to put a mask on for anyone, and I don’t have to use tricks or pretend in order to build my life.
Who I am IS good enough… integrity, heart, bumps, bruises, scars, and all.
So, whenever the storm is brewing inside you, let it rain, droplets or downpour… Let it rain!
Let that tide break.
You will find yourself cleaner, clearer, and stronger on the other side of your inner storm.
When you’re ready to take that next brave step, I’d love to hear what change is stirring in your heart. Email me a note, a message, or just say hi.
We’re all in this together, and I’ll be here… cheering you on with sand in my flipflops, a cup of tea, and a whole lot of belief in you.
You Got This!
With love, gratitude, and a bit of salt air,
Kat B ~ barefoot beach girl at heart
There’s more to come… more layers, more real-life stories, and more encouragement.
Reach out to me at: [email protected]
Read more about my journey on my About Me Page.
Also, check out My Links page while you’re here.